the dude abides.

First off all, this entry has nothing to do with study abroad. I should also warn everyone that what I’m writing may very well come across as trite, overly dramatic, sappy, etc. But this is the most important blog entry I’ll write and a topic that means so much to me that I can’t censor myself. Okay, that’s your warning :-)

Today is a hard day. Yeah, it’s hard because my dad left this morning, but there’s a lot more to it.

Today marks four years since we lost my cousin Dane. I keep trying to figure out a follow-up sentence to that, but I can’t think of one.  I thought of starting it, “Dane was [insert adjective here],” but no adjectives seem to describe him quite right. He was the best. He was the guy who would make you laugh until you weren’t even making sounds anymore and tears were streaming down your face. He was the guy who could do something so original and clever that you would just look at him and wonder how he could have possibly thought of it. He was the guy who made everyone feel good about who they were because he appreciated individuality and valued self-respect and confidence. He was the guy who was exactly who he was without a thought of what people would think because he knew that being himself was all he had to be. He was the cousin who helped you look for your white and black polka dot hairbow at the park until you found it because he knew how much you loved it. He was the guy who didn’t hold grudges. He was the high schooler who let his ten-year-old cousin paint the nails of all six of his toes blue when he had a broken foot and a cast that exposed the painted nails.  He was the guy who cared more about his family and friends than anything else in the world. He was the BEST.

I truly believe that Dane lived more in the 23 years of his life than many people live in 100 years. He told my mom one time that he thinks that nobody should be upset about something for more than three days. Give yourself three days to be upset, mad, hurt, whatever, but then move on. He didn’t waste time worrying about trivial stuff. He just lived his life.

The day Dane died, I knew my life would never be the same, so I made a promise to try to make it better. I knew I had two choices. In the moments when we got back from the hospital, we were sitting around my living room and amidst all of the confusion, tragedy, and anger that we were feeling, I knew that Dane would be so disappointed if we let his death break us. So in that moment, I promised myself that I would be better. I would be a better person, I would forgive more easily, I would value life more, and I would live twice as hard for my cousin who died way too young.

I try to live up to this. I know that sometimes I get off track, but I do try to live up to the promises that I made to myself and to Dane that night. And I’ve decided that my Lenten promise for this year is to follow that path. The world was and is a better place for having had Dane in it, and if I can be even a little bit more like him, I know I can start to make an impact.

One of my favorite memories of Dane was the summer before he died. We were having a wedding shower for Arne and Beth and Dane and I were getting the house ready for it. We were doing a big clean-out and were making trips to Amvets to drop off clothes and toys. While we were driving, Dane started blasting Travis Tritt’s “Great Day to Be Alive” and the two of us drove down Route 83 singing the song at the top of our lungs. The song still brings back such good feelings and has really gained new meaning since Dane’s death. I like to listen to it when I'm missing him-- it's really uplifting and makes me smile rather than making me sad. Dane wouldn’t want anyone to be sad, he would just want us to get up and do something.

Before I left for Spain, Dane’s mom, my aunt Jenny, gave me his signature t-shirt to bring with me. It sits on the shelf of my closet and every time I look at it I think about my amazing cousin. I’m on a crazy adventure right now and I know the ability to do something this far out of my comfort zone came from Dane. Life is precious and fragile… you have to grab for all the gusto in the world.

Dane, thanks for teaching me about life. Thanks for teaching me what’s important and for showing me how to be a good family member. Thanks for showing me that it’s okay to be myself and that people who appreciate you will come into your life and make it so much richer. Thanks for being one of the most formative influences on the sixteen years I got to have with you. Thanks for teaching me the best way to live. I love you and I miss you.  

oh god we miss you, our friend

oh so patiently